Every day is like a constant battle against myself.
Against everything else.
There are a million books about how to deal with someone that has BPD, but just one or two about actually coping with it. I hate myself with such a wicked passion. My mind and my actions conflict.
Jimmy hates me for my disorder, even though he can't seem to work with me which is why our relationship failed.
All he sees is "me with mental problems", its my fault that he fell out of love with me, its my fault that I made him tired all the time. Its my fault that I'm like this. He didnt even bother to get help to help me, to help us........I wasn't even clingy. All I ever wanted was his one hour to spend time together. Just one fucking hour and I always have to pay for it.
Now I'm in another relationship (with Chino) and I'm fighting so hard to make it work with him. I'm not in love with him. I don't know what to do.
I just wish someone could take my hand, see through it. Take me as I am. I have this constant fear of being alone. being rejected. I need someone to talk to, but I am so damn afraid.
I don't even know how to relay how I am feeling. I want to be treated better. I'm sick of this. ugh. I go through these extremes. I can't help but feel that all I will ever be is abused. I'm not even making sense anymore. So nevermind.
Now you know. This is me, my battle, and my struggle to smile everyday.
Everytiime you come up to me and I smile; thats because I truly appreciate you but when you judge me harshly behind my back and not giving me a chance to share my story is only causing our situation awkward and bad.
Just take it easy and just ask away instead.